So many people have independence, particularly psychological independence, as their goal; it is seen as the logical and inevitable end-point for the maturation of an adult. However, this ideal – and what ‘independence’ might actually mean - is worthy of some critical examination before we pursue it.
We would certainly like to be our own people. We want to be accountable to ourselves and to be able to have our own thoughts and feelings without the fear that will be judged for them or criticised or forced to act in ways which we don't want to act. Moreover, for those of us that have been dominated in the past by other people, the need to establish independence is a primary goal. We believe that is only when we had this independence to think, feel and act that we start to live our lives for ourselves.
Yet there is something of a paradox here. When we are infants we are almost totally dependent on our caregivers. We need them to meet many if not all of our physical needs in our early months and years, and would not survive without them. However, we are becoming increasingly aware of the role that our caregivers play in the development and maturation of our psychological selves. The relationships with our caregivers are critically important as it is largely through relationship with another that we learn about ourselves. So how does this happen? We learn about other people through intense, mutually responsive interactions with our caregivers, in many cases our mothers. Baby and its mother will gaze intently at each other, each responding to the other, and each seeing that the other responds to them. Through many such interactions the baby learns and develops.
This is the start of a pattern that continues throughout life, as we continue to learn and develop. We almost always do this in conjunction with other people or in indirect response to other people. These relationship experiences “are absolutely necessary for facilitating, consolidating, expanding and sustaining the development of individualised selfhood during the entire life cycle” (Brandchaft 2010 p.76). A life without other people is a life of stagnation.
An alternative goal for many people might be interdependence, where we are free to think and feel whatever we like we like, but we also recognise that our world is made richer through our relationships with other people.
- Tim Hill
image credit: Cheryl Graham
Reference:
Brandchaft B., Doctors S. & Sorter D. (2010) “Towards and Emancipatory Psychoanalysis” Routledge, New York
Disclaimer:
This blog is for informational and educational purposes only. The information provided, and any comments or opinions expressed, is intended for general discussion and education only, even when based on a hypothetical. It should not be relied upon for ultimate decision-making in any specific case. There is no substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health specialist, or even a physician, who would be the best to evaluate and advise based on a careful, considered evaluation of all pertinent facts. Likewise, it is understood that no guarantee or warranty arises from the information provided or discussed here.
